Really?

Has it been since JUNE that I added to this blog? WOW. As you can see, I am not very good at the blogging thing. I have the best intentions, but never follow through (hmmm...a recurring pattern in different areas of my life as well). Oh well, it is what it is and I will try to do better. I doubt it's read much anyway. I just wanted it for myself.



Well, let's see...since JUNE, Ella has started daycare and turned 2 and became wildly sassy and hilarious and I could just eat her up. Sometimes I just grab her and hug her and say "I love you, I love you I love you!" Really this blog could just be titled "Let me tell you how much I love Ella Ann" because I could really drone on about that endlessly! She just...how to word it?...she amazes me, she captures me, she's just...wow. She is talking up a storm and I love it. I love how she says things and even how I have to figure them out sometimes and I really love it when only *I* know what she's saying. For the most part she's pretty clear but there are some that leave others saying "huh?" She is like a little bird parroting everything you say, which can be wildly funny but also not so good sometimes. Must watch my "oh crap" moments. If I tell the dogs "no" or to "hush", she runs to the gate and shakes her finger at them and snaps "husss!" That's happened so often, she does it on her own now. The most glorious thing is that a couple of weeks ago, on her own for the first time she said "I yuv you" when she gave me a hug. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes as my heart melted into a pool. Maybe at 2, it's just that she's heard me say it to her so much, but no matter the reason, those were the sweetest three words my ears and heart have ever heard. Ahhhh....



My sweet Ella is two years old now,which is hard to choke down. I often think "could she really have been here two whole years?" and oddly other times I think "hasn't this been my life forever?" This ride has been wild. In two short years, she's gone from this tiny, red screaming (and I mean SCREAMING-you can't even fathom) newborn, to a cuddly, chubby cheeked baby then a little wobbly toddler and now a walking, talking, dare I say it...little girl. Wow. Just wow.



And it's been two years since we said goodbye to Logan. This year caught me completely off guard. Obviously I knew I would be sad, but I thought that it would be better than last year, a progression of lesser grief. Um, no. It was actually much more difficult. Maybe because I felt I needed to hide it more? I'm not sure the reason, but my heart ached so badly for him. So badly. I wanted him here where he belongs, beside his sister. I think one of THE hardest things for me in all of this is to watch Ella with other children. I am of course always sad for myself, but watching Ella play with her cousins or watching her interact with the kids at daycare when I pick her up absolutely crushes me. I sit and watch her on the playground from the car sometimes and it takes my breath away. I am insanely angry and even jealous of those children who have siblings. Thank goodness I don't have to be around any twins, I don't think I could ever handle THAT. Hats off to those who have lost a twin and have other sets of twins in their families (I know a few who are in that situation) because I don't know that I could endure that.

I've rambled on enough. My baby is growing up...

Has it almost been two years?

It really seems almost impossible that in about 3 months my Ella will turn 2 years old, or that it's been that long since we said goodbye to Logan. In so many ways it seems like ages ago, but in many more ways it seems like just yesterday I held such a sweet, precious, tiny, wiggly 6 lb. 11 oz. baby girl in my arms. She is still sweet and precious and wiggly, but not anywhere near tiny! My girl is 29 pounds now. I put together a progression picture of her in her original carseat. (1st picture-1 week old, 2nd picture-5 months old, 3rd picture-20,almost 21 months old)



Looking at that makes me realize JUST how much she's grown. And she has grown in more ways than one. She is such a funny little thing. Her expressions are all over the place and she never fails to make daddy and I both laugh. She gives the best kisses and hugs and while we certainly have our moments (um, daily) she is still the most amazing little creature and I cannot imagine, cannot even momentarily FATHOM, my life without her. It is still very surreal, to know that she is mine. It still feels (in an odd, foggy way) like it's not really real. Having spent so many years feeling like I would never have this-ever- it is hard to wrap myself around the fact - even almost two years later - that I do. I really do. She is mine. All mine. I have it. I will always be missing a piece of me because I will forever miss my boy Logan. But Ella fills me in a way I couldn't have ever anticipated. I imagine if he were here as well, I would be bursting at the seams. Oh, how I wish that were so!

She thinks not...

So you want to sleep in on your day off? Just a hair past 6:30 maybe? Please? Ella says "I think NOT, mommy..I'm ready to party at 5:00 today!"

As Mikes alarm clock went off for the 30th time this morning, Ella started the wiggling and thrashing. Around about time #40, she lost it, at which point Daddy went to get her milk and bring it back to her (what takes him so long in there,considering the cup is sitting out on the counter-courtesy of me-I'll never know, but I digress). So she gets her milk, but this does not lull her back to sleep, as it is supposed to do. She lays quietly for a few (moments not minutes, I couldn't be so lucky) and then starts this weird running-in-place motion, and of course my stomach is her road. So I turn over and say "shhhh, night night". My back then becomes her turf. Again, me with the "Shhhhh! Be STILL! Night night!". Well, that was the WRONG thing to say to her. This triggered a signature-Ella overly dramatic meltdown. How DARE I tell her to be still, to shush her, to expect her to sleep at this hour? I will admit, I was beyond frustrated by now. I thought back to my mom and dad telling me to "be still" when I layed with them, and I silently gave them apologies for my obviously rude bed-behavior. Once I got her calmed and laying back down, the runnng-in-place resumed, but I decided to pretend it was some sort of new age West African back massage. I got to the point where it wasn't bothering me (as much) and I tried to force myself back to a sleepy state. I figured if I could just get back to SLEEP, then I wouldn't notice any of this. And JUST as I started to drift, Ella decided to tell me a story...a very ANIMATED, very LOUD story, might I add. And apparently, she was into the whole West African role playing because that was EXACTLY the language she chose to speak in for her narrative!

Since this story apparently was slated to continue for at least, oh, the next forever, I bolted up from bed and began our day. And wouldn't you know it, Ella got sleepy shortly thereafter, at about 7:30 a.m.!!!


Ahhhhh....no rest for the weary (or for the mother of Ella Ann apparently)

sweetness sleeps

Say what you want about Ella sleeping with me every night, but I really couldn't ask for more than to look at her chubby little face while she sleeps. There is nothing sweeter than a child sleeping. Wait, let me rephrase. There is nothing sweeter than MY child, my Ella, sleeping. Sometimes I sit and marvel at her perfection, even after maybe spending a day dealing with what feels like imperfection (my own of course). She is perfect. She could not be any MORE perfect. She will surely disappointment me, anger me, frustrate me, all of which I am sure (I know) I have done, did, and do to my parents, but she is still my perfect, sweet Ella Ann.

Watching her sleep is one of my greatest joys. It feels almost like time is suspended. Her eyes moving behind her lids, or not moving at all. Her perfect little lips making sucking motions and noises, even when her binky has long before fallen out of her mouth and onto the mattress. Her little sighs every now and then, her leg being thrown on top of me or her arms reaching up to grab me, even as she sleeps, and pull me closer, tighter. It is all perfection. I will miss it all one day, I know. I hope she doesn't think I'm crazy in a few years when I undoubtedly will sneak into her room just to catch a glimpse of her sleeping. She probably will, but one day, I hope she understands.

I don't know if it is the nature of the journey it took to get here, to get her- or if it has to do with losing her precious brother which ultimately brought to mind the thought and fear and possibility and what ifs of having lost them both, or what exactly it is.....maybe (and most likely) it's just that I'm just a big ol' sap, but it so often feels like I am the only person in the world to have been brought to this level of love and amazement, adoration and appreciation. I am not so confident to say that this is the case, but it feels that way.

Sometimes I wonder....you always here mothers say how precious their children are. But somewhere along the way, while of course they always love them, everything changes. Day to day life or does your heart change too? I hope not because I never want to feel any differently than I do now when I watch my perfect child sleep and dream and cling tighter to me.

It's been a while, no?

Over a month. And there I said I was going to keep up with this! Ah well..

Not a whole lot going on. I'm kind of in a weird place, but I won't get into that because frankly, I don't feel like it. Ella is going through some sort of phase, or at least I hope to God it's a phase! She's been incredibly difficult and throwing tantrums. I thought it was her teeth, I thought it was her ears, but she's been to the ped and her ears are fine (tubes still in-yay) and while it *could* be teeth related, I think maybe it's just early terrible twos? I've read that it's normal for tantrumming to begin around 18 months and I'm hoping that's all it is. It's hard to think "oh this is normal" when #1-you have no idea what normal is since you're a first time mom and #2- you see other children her age NOT behaving that way. But then I've talked to many others with little ones Ellas age and many of those moms are experiencing the same thing. And the ped says it's normal. So maybe it's normal after all? Or maybe it's just her little personality? She's definitely stubborn and OVERLY sensitive (gee, I wonder where she gets that?). I don't know if I was that way as a child, and my mother in law SWEARS that Mike was NOT like this (but I'm not sure how much she remembers!-sorry, Mooneian, you really don't remember a lot! ha)

Anyway, it is what it is. We're trying to work through it. I'll be ordering a book about parenting a sensitive child, because I do think she's highly sensitive.

*sigh* Who knew it would be this difficult and exhausting at times?

Despite the issues, she of course is my sweet little Ella and can be the most loving, sweet, happy, funny girl you've ever seen (just ignore the moments where she's throwing herself to the ground or swatting at you because you won't give her another cookie because she has already shoved 30 into her mouth). I don't have a lot of new pictures, but I'll add a few I do have. This little girl makes my world go round, sometimes too fast, sometimes too bumpily, but she makes it turn always. And she never fails every day (multiple times a day) to make me smile and to be thankful I even HAVE a child to be frustrated with. I will never take for granted that I might have never had her (or her brother). She is that special and I am that lucky and I won't ever forget that.

Now for photos....

whatchoo talkin' bout Willis? (this was at the city Easter Egg hunt just before she grabbed the camera, slammed it to the ground and broke it - thus we are reduced to pictures via only our cell phones now-thanks sunshine!)

Ellas signature face. She squenches (is that a word?) her lips up like that ALL. THE. TIME.

here she was wearing daddys (yes, dirty) socks and it was so funny!

Oh, at Ellas ped visit, they did the ritual weighing and measuring, of course. She weighs 28 lbs. 8 oz, which is about the 92nd percentile for her age, and she's grown to 32 and 1/4 inches, which is about 63rd percentile for her age (up quite a bit from her last appointment, so she's grown quite a bit taller) and 19 inch head circumfrence which is the 89th percentile. So my big baby with the big head! I love it! Healthy as a horse!

9 years!

Yesterday was mine and Mikes 9 year wedding anniversary! We were married March 03, 2001 at my parents home in Baytown. My parents sang a beautiful duet that I will treasure forever and family friend Don Cunningham performed the ceremony. Both of those things made our wedding so very special to me (and obviously, getting married was special too...ha).

In some ways it seems like the last nine years have gone by in the blink of an eye and in many other ways it seems a lifetime ago. We have come so far, in our relationship and marriage and selves, and found a very peaceful, loving and comfortable place. It amazes me how very much he loves both Ella and Logan. I always knew he would be a good daddy, I could see how much he loved kids and our journey through infertility found him longing for them almost as much as myself. (and that's a level most men don't reach, let me tell ya).

We made it through those years and have endured something most couples don't have to endure, the loss of our sweet boy Logan, who we wanted more than anything. It has undoubtedly made us stronger in so many ways. We learned we had to lean on each other, and we did.

Anyway, I love you Mike. Thank you for the last 9 years.

Here is a picture of our little family last night before Mike and I went to dinner (Ella was a bit upset because we were leaving). We didn't exchange gifts (as agreed), but I did get a nice bouquet of 9 red roses and a lovely card. Mike just got a card. Tough being a man isn't it?

Another Day, Another Entry...and maybe a job?

Ella is napping with her hiney high up in the air. It cracks me up to watch her when she sleeps like that (the joys of a video monitor-I love it). She doesn't sleep in this position for every nap-only occassionally-and it leaves me wondering what about those particular naps has her with her behind up in the air. Gas? Who knows.

She seems to be feeling better and thankfully does not seem to have acquired this cold I have. I, too, am better. But with a lingering cough and congestion that drives me batty. Nosespray is my dear friend right now.

Well, I haphazardly applied for a job on Craigslist on Friday afternoon, figuring it couldn't hurt. I've been quite disgusted with the online job search. You can't simply pick up the paper anymore and look for a job. There IS no longer a regular job section! Instead you have to register at monster.com, not REALLY knowing what you're applying for. Then you get tons of spam emails and phone calls and even texts saying "text pete for an interview!". Yeah Pete, I'll get right on calling you. Random. Ugh. Does it mean that I'm getting old that this bothers me so intensely and I miss the Post? I'm afraid to have anyone answer that question.

Anyway, back to Craigslist. Most of those are bogus too. But I sent an email and resume to one advertiser, and had a nice woman call me Friday night. I let her leave a message (afraid of another Pete) and she sounded normal enough on the phone so I called her back. We ended up talking for over an hour. It sounds promising, and I'm hoping I may even be able to work this out where I can return to school and finish my degree. It is a special dream of mine to find myself accepting my bachelors degree diploma on some stage somewhere (or really in any form or fashion) and telling my parents "I told you so", making them (and Ella and Mike) proud. Wouldn't that be lovely? We shall see if that happens. And we'll see on Tuesday what happens with this job endeavor. I'm meeting with the lady on Tuesday. Keep all crossables crossed for me! (but I'll allow you all to uncross your legs of course, for bathroom breaks. I'm not *that* mean).

I'm off for now....I'm liking this new blog format!

Where's Logan?

Yesterday, I was playing with Ella and I said how I wished Logan was here to play with her. Ella stopped what she was doing and looked at me. So I said "yes, I do. I wish Logan was here. Logan is your brother". She suddenly took off running towards the hall, so I followed her. She ran into her room and straight over to the picture of Logan next to her rocker. I was stunned! So a little later, I asked her "where's Logan?" and she got all excited and ran into her room again and went straight to his picture again! It was amazing. I have never worked with her on that. In fact, when referring to Logan, I call him "Bubba" more often than not when talking to her. We did used to rock and hold his picture, but when she was much smaller. I probably haven't pointed out that picture in her room to her in months, so this was such a shock for me.

Obviously, I know she's not "recognizing" him, as she never saw him with her eyes. But there's something about her running straight to his little picture and animals that warms my heart.

I got it on video last night. (be sure to pause the music at the bottom of this blog page before you play the video because you need the sound to hear her say his name and squeal)

New blog, fresh start.

I wasn't at all happy with Shutterfly, not being able to embed pictures within the update/entry, and just the overall format. So I decided to return to blogger, since this is where I have Logans blog anyway.



I'll be working on the layout because I'm not loving it. But it will have to do for now because I can't afford to pay to have one made!



So, for a first entry, what to talk about, what to discuss. I guess maybe some basics before anyone goes any further. I'll probably send out the link to whoever was on the other family page I guess. But if you don't want to hear honest feelings, you probably shouldn't read this blog. I'm going to update more frequently, and update about Ella and add pictures and videos, just like before. But if I'm having a bad day, an off day, a sad day, or whatever, it will be included. I may talk about those things here and I undoubtedly will talk about my Logan. Along the way a few curse words may slip out as well (gasp). So I apologize in advance if something offends you, or if you think something is too sad, or if you think I may need to move on from certain things. It's your right to feel any of that (and my right to disagree...ha) I just can't continually separate the two. I've gone back and forth on this. I've talked to other women like me with blogs (yes there are many like me). Some keep and maintain two totally separate blogs, like I've been doing and that works for them. Others feel like a blog is like a journal, so you should write what you feel, no matter the audience. I still, after many many months, don't know where I stand or how I feel. Those who know me know that I'm an emotional person. Good lord, what would be the point in denying THAT! So I'm going to try desperately to just be me. I've learned a lot about being me in the past 16 months. I've learned so much about who I am and how I work on the inside. I've learned to appreciate my home and my husband so very much more, because those two places (here and in him) are where I *can* be just me and it's okay. It's okay to mention Logan. It doesn't stop everyone in their tracks. It's okay to be sad sometimes. It's okay to say "I wish he was here" in the middle of anything. It's okay to just feel whatever I'm feeling. And I love that, and I appreciate it in a way I never had before. Maybe I never knew it before.

(wait - let me interject something. If you don't know me well, or you're reading anonymously....let me warn you now. I ramble. I ramble well, a lot. I move from one subject to the next and I can talk/write incessantly. So you've been warned. Proceed with caution)

So anyway, enough of the heaviness for the moment. Ella is napping away in her crib. She seems to not be feeling well today. She's been especially whiny and clingy, which makes for a looong day for us both. It could just be teething. We'll have to see. I'm hoping she's not coming down with what I've had. I've been sick for the past week. Congestion and a nasty cough and just feeling overall achy and run down. I went to the doctor last Tuesday and he said it was a viral something or other. So I'm taking mucinex and nyquil and rolling with it. Ella doesn't slow down in the least when Mommy has a cold. Surprise surprise.



I'm watching Miss Ella on the monitor now, napping peacefully. She has the sweetest little face, asleep OR awake. I couldn't have had a more beautiful or more perfect baby girl. She makes me so happy. She makes my heart soar. I could stare at her all day. I could just sit and be amazed by her and make that my life. I would be happy with that. I know they say not to get lost in your children, but do *they* know how hard that is? Just look at this face. An angel.





Today has been a tough day. I have an online friend who was in my "due date group" with her little boy Jasper, and sweet little Jasper passed away this morning. His life has been a battle from day one, with CHD, and I am so sad to hear of him leaving his mom and dad this morning to go to heaven. I hope my Logan welcomes him there with open arms. I'll be keeping Becca and Chris in my thoughts. It seems when things like this happen, my thoughts always turn back to Logan. Every situation is different, I know. But it turns you inward to look at your own situation. I miss Logan every day. It never goes away. You live with it, what other choice do you have, but it's always there. Always that empty space next to Ella that I know should be filled with the sweet cheeks and laughter and smiles of her brother.




Ahhh, and didn't I just say that was all the heaviness? See how this blog will be different? I already warned you!
I'll be back to write more later. I have a feeling I may be dumping into this blog a WHOLE lot.