09/23/12

So yeah, I'm pretty much the worst 'blogger'  (and I use that term loosely) like ever.  I apologize.  To practically no one since this is basically just ramblings to myself!

I seem to run here when I'm sad, needing to let things out.  Why I don't just keep a journal in Word is beyond me.  Maybe I'll do that.   I certainly could say more of what I really wanted to say. I tend to filter myself no matter WHAT the forum/venue.

*sigh*

I am sad.  Of course.  It's September 23rd.  It's getting closer to THE day.  October 5th, the day it all changed.  I really hate this time of year.  From the time of the anniversary of my Pappaws death (and even a bit before) I am kicked into a depressive state.  I'm remembering and counting.  "Four years ago today, I ________"  (fill in the blank with everything from "had my baby shower" or  "was still pregnant and Logan was still alive" to "saw my Pappaw for the last time)

I'm doing okay on the outside: I don't think one would ever know (unless they knew me well).   I adore my daughter, I have the most fun with her, she makes me smile, makes me laugh, keeps my eyes bright and my heart beating.

But there is obviously (to me, anyway) a part of me that is missing, that is empty.  And there are no rules as to when that fact will hit me, bump me or damn near run me down and over.  Often when I'm having the BEST moment with Ella, I am stabbed with that pang of sadness, longing, wishing I had that happiness with him TOO. Not in the absence of her, just in ADDITION to (the way it should have been).   And when my Ella is having a bad day, when she cries about wanting to play with someone, I am almost knocked over with my grief.  I am equally as sad for my daughter as I am for myself.  It is no more fair to her than it is to me.

There are times I rage and rage and rage inside, I am so undescribably angry.  There are times I am so overwhelmed that I feel like I am underwater and just NEED to get to the surface to breathe and I just can't find my way up. And yet still, there are times I am just plain overcome with sadness.  A heaviness that just sits on me, getting heavier and heavier.

It's all the same.  4 years is the same as 3, same as 2, as 1.  He's still not here, I still am.  Ella is still missing her brother, I am still missing my son.  I still can't hold him, I still can't touch him, I still don't know what color his eyes are.  I still can't see him ride a tricycle, swim in a pool, laugh at silliness, fight with his sister, HUG his sister (oh God I'd kill to see that) or hug ME.  I still can't watch him sleep, tell him to clean up his room, fix his dinner for him.  I still can't watch him take a bath, brush his teeth, put his shoes on, run at the park, slide or swing, and on and on and on.  I still can't do any of that.  And I miss it all.  God, I miss it all.  I never had it and I miss it even still, what I never had with him.

How do you explain that to someone who hasn't been there?  I guess you don't.  You can spill your guts about it all, but they never 'get' it.  Maybe because they can't, maybe because they don't want to.  Who knows.  I can barely explain it to myself, at least not in any way that makes sense.  I ask myself the same things that others probably want to ask.  "Why can't you move on?"  and "It's been almost 4 years, what's wrong with you?".  There are no answers, none that work.  I don't KNOW what's wrong with me, other than I want him with every fiber of my being.

One thing that is so hard to explain to others, when they see me break down, is that it's not LIKE this day in and day out.  It's a snapshot into what I feel, yes.   The wind can be knocked out of me in an instant and bring me to my knees in pain at any time with grief.  But I am not completely broken (though I often feel it).  As I said before, I have the best time with my daughter. I love her with an intensity I'd have never believed possible.  She is amazing, in every way.  She is so beautiful and so sweet and kind, and so funny!  She makes me laugh daily.  

oh god I'm rambling.  I suck at "blogging".  Word is seeming even more and more appropriate. 


09/29/12

  So we had our small party here for Ella today since we'll be out of town next weekend for the actual birthday. Ella and I were in her room this morning and she asked me when Logans birthday is. I explained (again) that his birthday is the same as hers, that they were in my belly together. She was fascinated and asked how they both fit, who was where, etc. Then she played a few seconds, stopped, looked at me and said "I wished Logan didn't halfta be in heaven". KNIFE TO THE HEART. She has never before gotten that 'specific' with it all. I think she's putting more things together (obviously the older she gets). But wait, there's more. I choked back my own tears and told her "oh honey, I wish he was here too" and she said "maybe he would play with me and we could play together and he would like me?". How do you answer that? I am in absolutely unchartered territory here. I told her "He loves you Ella and I know if he was here, you would have had the best time. But he's always with you in your heart and it's okay to wish he was here". I don't want to make her SAD about him not being here, but I also can't really say "no, you wouldn't have ever played with him" to make her feel okay with him not being here. I don't know WHAT to say, but that's what I said.

So we had her little party, went to dinner, came back for cake and ice cream and then we all wrote on a balloon for Logan so that MIL could be a part of our balloon thing (she's always been here for it and we'll be gone at my parents next weekend). Ella asked if she could write on it too and so she wrote just her name (all she knows how to write). She released the balloon outside and yelled "Happy Birthday Logan! BYE!!!" and waved and waved at it and watched it til she couldn't see it anymore. I lost it crying and went inside to pull myself together. Then we went on with our evening. I put her in bed just a bit ago and layed down with her and she starts up again. She asked me what Logan looks like. If he looks like her. How do I answer these questions? I just said "I don't know honey, I think he probably looks a little bit like you, I know he did when he was a baby" and she asked if his hair is long like hers. I said I thought he probably would have shorter hair like Ayden (her cousin, my bros son), but that I don't know. She asked "and maybe we would play together like Ayden and Addie do?".

It's coming more and more and while I absolutely do NOT regret keeping Logan a part of our lives, I am kind of caught off guard with all of the questions NOW. I shouldn't be, but I am. And it breaks my fucking heart. I just breaks it right in fucking two. I could sit here and pour out all the rage and sadness I feel, but there's no point. It's all the same. I can just pull anything I've written from a year ago or two years ago or three years ago and it's the same. All the fucking same. He's never coming back. Not ever ever ever.

(excuse my language but I really don't care right now)