Really?

Has it been since JUNE that I added to this blog? WOW. As you can see, I am not very good at the blogging thing. I have the best intentions, but never follow through (hmmm...a recurring pattern in different areas of my life as well). Oh well, it is what it is and I will try to do better. I doubt it's read much anyway. I just wanted it for myself.



Well, let's see...since JUNE, Ella has started daycare and turned 2 and became wildly sassy and hilarious and I could just eat her up. Sometimes I just grab her and hug her and say "I love you, I love you I love you!" Really this blog could just be titled "Let me tell you how much I love Ella Ann" because I could really drone on about that endlessly! She just...how to word it?...she amazes me, she captures me, she's just...wow. She is talking up a storm and I love it. I love how she says things and even how I have to figure them out sometimes and I really love it when only *I* know what she's saying. For the most part she's pretty clear but there are some that leave others saying "huh?" She is like a little bird parroting everything you say, which can be wildly funny but also not so good sometimes. Must watch my "oh crap" moments. If I tell the dogs "no" or to "hush", she runs to the gate and shakes her finger at them and snaps "husss!" That's happened so often, she does it on her own now. The most glorious thing is that a couple of weeks ago, on her own for the first time she said "I yuv you" when she gave me a hug. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes as my heart melted into a pool. Maybe at 2, it's just that she's heard me say it to her so much, but no matter the reason, those were the sweetest three words my ears and heart have ever heard. Ahhhh....



My sweet Ella is two years old now,which is hard to choke down. I often think "could she really have been here two whole years?" and oddly other times I think "hasn't this been my life forever?" This ride has been wild. In two short years, she's gone from this tiny, red screaming (and I mean SCREAMING-you can't even fathom) newborn, to a cuddly, chubby cheeked baby then a little wobbly toddler and now a walking, talking, dare I say it...little girl. Wow. Just wow.



And it's been two years since we said goodbye to Logan. This year caught me completely off guard. Obviously I knew I would be sad, but I thought that it would be better than last year, a progression of lesser grief. Um, no. It was actually much more difficult. Maybe because I felt I needed to hide it more? I'm not sure the reason, but my heart ached so badly for him. So badly. I wanted him here where he belongs, beside his sister. I think one of THE hardest things for me in all of this is to watch Ella with other children. I am of course always sad for myself, but watching Ella play with her cousins or watching her interact with the kids at daycare when I pick her up absolutely crushes me. I sit and watch her on the playground from the car sometimes and it takes my breath away. I am insanely angry and even jealous of those children who have siblings. Thank goodness I don't have to be around any twins, I don't think I could ever handle THAT. Hats off to those who have lost a twin and have other sets of twins in their families (I know a few who are in that situation) because I don't know that I could endure that.

I've rambled on enough. My baby is growing up...