I'll be working on the layout because I'm not loving it. But it will have to do for now because I can't afford to pay to have one made!
So, for a first entry, what to talk about, what to discuss. I guess maybe some basics before anyone goes any further. I'll probably send out the link to whoever was on the other family page I guess. But if you don't want to hear honest feelings, you probably shouldn't read this blog. I'm going to update more frequently, and update about Ella and add pictures and videos, just like before. But if I'm having a bad day, an off day, a sad day, or whatever, it will be included. I may talk about those things here and I undoubtedly will talk about my Logan. Along the way a few curse words may slip out as well (gasp). So I apologize in advance if something offends you, or if you think something is too sad, or if you think I may need to move on from certain things. It's your right to feel any of that (and my right to disagree...ha) I just can't continually separate the two. I've gone back and forth on this. I've talked to other women like me with blogs (yes there are many like me). Some keep and maintain two totally separate blogs, like I've been doing and that works for them. Others feel like a blog is like a journal, so you should write what you feel, no matter the audience. I still, after many many months, don't know where I stand or how I feel. Those who know me know that I'm an emotional person. Good lord, what would be the point in denying THAT! So I'm going to try desperately to just be me. I've learned a lot about being me in the past 16 months. I've learned so much about who I am and how I work on the inside. I've learned to appreciate my home and my husband so very much more, because those two places (here and in him) are where I *can* be just me and it's okay. It's okay to mention Logan. It doesn't stop everyone in their tracks. It's okay to be sad sometimes. It's okay to say "I wish he was here" in the middle of anything. It's okay to just feel whatever I'm feeling. And I love that, and I appreciate it in a way I never had before. Maybe I never knew it before.
(wait - let me interject something. If you don't know me well, or you're reading anonymously....let me warn you now. I ramble. I ramble well, a lot. I move from one subject to the next and I can talk/write incessantly. So you've been warned. Proceed with caution)
So anyway, enough of the heaviness for the moment. Ella is napping away in her crib. She seems to not be feeling well today. She's been especially whiny and clingy, which makes for a looong day for us both. It could just be teething. We'll have to see. I'm hoping she's not coming down with what I've had. I've been sick for the past week. Congestion and a nasty cough and just feeling overall achy and run down. I went to the doctor last Tuesday and he said it was a viral something or other. So I'm taking mucinex and nyquil and rolling with it. Ella doesn't slow down in the least when Mommy has a cold. Surprise surprise.
I'm watching Miss Ella on the monitor now, napping peacefully. She has the sweetest little face, asleep OR awake. I couldn't have had a more beautiful or more perfect baby girl. She makes me so happy. She makes my heart soar. I could stare at her all day. I could just sit and be amazed by her and make that my life. I would be happy with that. I know they say not to get lost in your children, but do *they* know how hard that is? Just look at this face. An angel.
Today has been a tough day. I have an online friend who was in my "due date group" with her little boy Jasper, and sweet little Jasper passed away this morning. His life has been a battle from day one, with CHD, and I am so sad to hear of him leaving his mom and dad this morning to go to heaven. I hope my Logan welcomes him there with open arms. I'll be keeping Becca and Chris in my thoughts. It seems when things like this happen, my thoughts always turn back to Logan. Every situation is different, I know. But it turns you inward to look at your own situation. I miss Logan every day. It never goes away. You live with it, what other choice do you have, but it's always there. Always that empty space next to Ella that I know should be filled with the sweet cheeks and laughter and smiles of her brother.
Ahhh, and didn't I just say that was all the heaviness? See how this blog will be different? I already warned you!
I'll be back to write more later. I have a feeling I may be dumping into this blog a WHOLE lot.
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